Desperation

I have had mixed feelings about desperation for a while now. It is a theme I see often, mostly within my self. In this definition, I see desperation as a state of mind where I feel incomplete. Like I am waiting for something to come around the corner and release me from this impending feeling. Or maybe I just need one more purchase or one more new experience to sooth the hungry flames. I consider the future of my career, and if that will be the last drop of water that fills the almost always filled cup. Maybe a significant other, a spouse, or best friend will do the trick. I catch my self sometimes, in flurry of busyness, almost in bliss, that I have managed to elude the desperation for this long. 

But with this same desperation I claw at life and its precious moments. It is what motivates me to go the gym for a brutal workout after working a ten hour shift. It isn't enough; I need more. The same desperation makes my mind easily drift into rumination about a crush. I search ravenously for the best combination of work experience and degrees. I plan exciting adventures and use the desperation to milk and relish each beautiful second of my life. The desperation demands I push the limits in all departments of my life, for the tiny hope of some micro-relief, which I eventually find. It promotes my future-thinking behavior. It is truly a mixed blessing. 

I think it's best not define or categorize the above as good or bad. These feelings are normal and ubiquitous across all humans. Maybe the brain is built this way. A content, fulfilled brain might have not best served our ancestors. Furthermore, it could be the default mode of the brain, where it feels incomplete. Where I feel incomplete.