Watch What I Do

There is a slight variation I have been trying to make in my life: allocate more weight and attention to a person's behavior rather than their words. We are all familiar with "actions speak louder than words." I believe that this is naturally counterintuitive to humans. When someone tells us they feel a certain way or will do a certain thing, we usually expect them to behave in a similar fashion. And when they don't, we feel shocked and confused, even upset. But I'm am not writing this to gripe about the inconsistency between what a human states they believe and how they actually behave, but rather point out the extant of this phenomenon. I propose an alternative way to better understand your friends, family, and significant others.

So we have two basic ways of gauging the people around us:

1. What they verbally tell us. More specifically, they articulate what is in their brain and what their beliefs are. It is slow and tedious process trying to understand who someone is or what they want by just listening to them. This method of communication is riddled with issues like lying and self-deceit. People can verbalize anything they feel like, whether it is true or not. In other situations, they aren't even deceitful, but they just genuinely lie to themselves; not even a calculated lie, but a disparity between their true desires and the persona they show to the world. The higher the stakes of the conversation are, the more chance for inconsistency, and the more ultimately confused you are.

I want to make a quick distinction between what someone says and how they say it.  The what is verbal but the how is action based. Take for example that person we all know that frequently text: "omg I am so busy, I won't be able to hang out, maybe tomorrow or next time." They may really be busy or they may not, it does not matter. Think about the distinction in this situation. Could you ever really know what they are saying is true? It is mindless riddle, however, does the fundamental action of giving you constant excuses not speak for itself? People make time for what is important to them, we all do. Let the lack of action override the words of this person.

Be honest with yourself, how many times do you do this with others? Little white lies trying to spare feelings and keep your own appearance up. As humans, we tend to dismiss and forget our own behavior. We even forget we ourselves are human, so by definition, our behavior is not that distinct from everyone else. Moreover, think to a time you really wanted someone or something. Which of the two was the most intense and powerful for you, how far you were willing to extend yourself or how prepared you were to declare it verbally? Most likely, your actions were the stronger of the two; the same applies for everyone else.

2. What they physically do. How are they situating their bodies in time and space. How are they treating you and speaking with you? The reason this method works better than verbal is because it is less likely to lie via actions or engage in self-deceit. Nobody is every caught helping the homeless after saying that they would never volunteer at a shelter. No one is ever caught being faithful after stating that they will cheat on you. Gary Vaynerchuk often says stop listening to what he is saying and just watch instead. What he means is you'll learn more just by looking at his minute to minute behavior, mannerisms, and how he interacts with his colleagues. I implore you to try this in your life. Stop listening to your friends and family, just watch. Watch how often they call. Watch how they look at you when you talk. Observe how that person you like makes themselves available. Watch how long their eyes linger before turning their head. Just note how many times they check their phone even though they are inches away from you and your stare.

A few examples:

"How are you?" - Do they really give a shit? Most likely no. Formalities like these are the epitome of what I am trying to say. The words stringed together give it meaning, but the action and delivery of it make it meaningless.  Just as a side note, people who really care how you are try to ask specific questions, not just generic seemingly considerate statements.

"I'm sorry" - Two words that even a toddler can string together. Jam-packed with meaning, but void of any action. Saying I am sorry and being sorry are two different paradigms. Sorry-based actions are more powerful than the statement alone.

Body language. This falls into the category of physical actions (unless the person is deeply acquainted with body language and feigns it). People may say they are listening, but are they looking at you? You may think that special someone likes you but are they dodging your touch? How far do they sit/stand away from you. The evidence is all there even before they open their mouth.

Honesty is what we all say we want but our actions have stated otherwise for thousands of years throughout modern human civilization. We are still fucking lying to each other as to why we cannot attend dinner tonight, but we have also have had astronauts eat dinner on the moon. My point is that we still engage in white lies but somehow have advanced technology beyond our wildest dreams. You can save yourself a lot of heartache, turmoil and confusion by letting people's actions speak for them, rather than waiting for their words to match their behavior. The truth is right under your nose, you just have tilt your head a little.