Loneliness and Truth

A recent experience allowed me to be vulnerable and honest with myself. It is a truth I've known recently but haven't allowed myself to feel it fully. To accept it. 

I feel alone. In that moment of vulnerability, I looked around, and felt completely alone. I cried a good amount. I realized just how small I was in comparison to the entire world. It made me sad. And not alone, like a lack of friends, but a much deeper and insatiable feeling of loneliness. It was a primordial emptiness. And maybe I need to spend more time distinguishing between the feelings of loneliness and emptiness. 

I can tell myself that having a significant other doesn't matter or that finding love shouldn't be a goal. But is the feeling stronger than my willpower? Is it as simple as the limitations of my biology? When I'm in my regular state of mind, most things I do distract me just long enough not to notice this gapping hole. I know I am not the only one who feels that way. It must be a part of the condition, the human condition. It comes in the package.

On an unrelated note, I saw a picture of an ex today and there's something I have been meaning to express: I've made the mistake in believing the assumption that one gets many chances at a true connection in their life. Naively, I thought that life would be littered with opportunities to feel a genuine, mostly inexplicable, connection with another person. Safety in numbers would eventually shed light on another opportunity, or two. This has not been the case. I don't understand what causes this connection in the first place. It is this mysterious spark that is unmistakable. Don't get me wrong, it isn't the end-all be-all in every successful relationship, and it isn't enough to overcome all the obstacles in a long-term relationship. But, it is something truly special and has made me search for it in my subsequent relationships. Maybe it is misguided behavior, but i'd be lying if that picture I saw today didn't move me. It made me feel hopeless. 

I am unsure if walking away from the last time I had that spark was a mistake. Maybe. I think I beat myself up for being cocky enough to walk away with the false believe that it was a common occurrence. I feel silly. And maybe I would have made a different decision if I better understand the probabilities then. I also tend to romanticize things and see the past through rosy-colored glasses. 

Note to future self, take into account the enigmatic connection if you are ever fortunate enough to stumble across it again.